Off-Topic Car jokes

Discussion in 'Off-Topic Chat' started by SpeedyGee, Monday 1st Jul, 2013.

  1. SpeedyGee Administrator Staff Team

    England Speedy Birmingham
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    Anyone got any car jokes to share ?

    Let me kick off with :-

    Three men die and are sitting at heavens gate.

    The angel asks the first man, so what were you like ? he replies, ' Oh I was a really good husband, never cheated on my wife, looked after my kids, gave to charity '. The angel replies 'Well done, you can have a Rolls Royce '.

    The angel then turns to the second man. He says 'I was quite a good husband, cheated a few times, bit of an alcoholic, but I never killed anyone'. The angel says ' in that case, you can have a Ford Focus '.

    The third man then says 'I was a lousy husband, never did a good thing in my life, a complete looser '. The angel gives him a bicycle.

    Later the two men with the Ford and bicycle, see the man with a Rolls Royce crying his eyes out on a park bench. ' whats the problem ?' they ask. ' I just saw my wife on a skateboard ', he replies.
     
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  2. Rhys Valued Contributor ★ ★ ★ ☆ ☆

    Paddy and Murphy are driving down the road in they're VW beatle when the engine cuts out. Murphy get out and has a look at the engine and says " paddy the engine has gone " Murphy replies " it's ok there is a spare one in the boot ".
     
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  3. AccordEZJ Club Member ★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆

    Lol...this ones my fav...:Smile:

    A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger stands in the pouring down rain.

    "Can you give me a push?" he asks while hanging onto the door frame.

    "Not a chance" says the husband -- "It's 3 o'clock in the morning!". He slams the door and returns to bed.

    "Who was it?" asks his wife.

    "Just some drunk wanting a push" he answers.

    "Did you help him?" she asks.

    "No, I didn't -- it's three in the morning and raining like crazy out."

    "Well, you have a short memory" says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down on vacation and those two strangers helped us? I think you should help him."

    The man does as he is told and gets dressed and goes out into the pounding rain and calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

    "Yes," comes the answer.

    "Do you still want a push?" calls out the husband.

    "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

    "Where are you?" asks the husband.

    "Over here on the swing!" the drunk replies.

    :Grin::Grin::Grin:
     
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  4. AccordEZJ Club Member ★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆

    One more :Smile:

    A lady walks into a Honda dealership. She browses around, spots the Top-of-the-line Honda Accord and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to feel the fine leather upholstery,she inadvertently breaks Wind.

    Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

    As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady With, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her accident, she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

    He answers, "Madam, if you farted just touching it, you are going to shit yourself when I tell you the price."

    :Grin:
     
  5. Ichiban Founder Staff Team

    England CJ Leeds
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    Only a Skoda driver can do this

     
    Last edited by a moderator: Saturday 22nd Feb, 2014
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  6. Boglost Club Member ★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆

    Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.

    The Italian Border Policeman stops them and tells them "It'sa illegal to putta 5 people in a Quattro."

    "Idiot! Vot do you mean it's illegal?" asks the German driver.

    "Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.

    "Quattro is just ze name of ze automobile" the Germans retort unbelievingly. "Look at ze papers: ze car is designed to karry 5 persons."

    "You canta pull thata one on me!" replies the policeman. "Quattro meansa four. You hava five peoples ina your car and you are therefore breaka the law."

    The German driver replies angrily, "Schweinhund! Call your zupervisor over. I vant to speak to someone mit more intelligence!"

    "I'ma Sorry" responds the Italian officer, "He can'ta come. He'sa busy witha 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."
     
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  7. Ichiban Founder Staff Team

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  8. Boglost Club Member ★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆

    23rd Psalm (But not as we know it)

    The FORD is my car
    I shall not want another
    It maketh me down to lie down in dirty roadways
    It annointeth my head in oil
    Surely to goodness and mercy
    It will not follw me all the days of my life
    Or I shall dwell in the house of insanity forever
     
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  9. Ichiban Founder Staff Team

    England CJ Leeds
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    Quality keep em coming
     
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  10. Ichiban Founder Staff Team

    England CJ Leeds
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  11. Boglost Club Member ★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆

    A blonde walks into a bank in Central London and asks for the loans dept.
    She says she's going to Europe on business for three weeks and needs to borrow £10,000.

    The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the papers and everything checks out.

    The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank manager and its staff all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a £100,000 Rolls as collateral against a £10,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

    Three weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the £10,000 and the interest, which comes to £141.66.

    The bank manager says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow £10,000?"

    The blond replies ... "Where else in Central London can I park my car for two weeks for only £141.66 and expect it to be there when I return?"

    Finally, a gifted blonde!!!!
     
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  12. Ichiban Founder Staff Team

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    heard that one before,still funny!
     
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  13. Bowler Senior Member ★ ★ ☆ ☆ ☆

    Ford are to launch a new sports car, there calling it the Pubic, its made out of old Corsairs
     
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  14. AccordEZJ Club Member ★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆

    A blonde was driving home after a football game, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a body shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her car's tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.

    Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?"

    The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. Her roommate rolled her eyes and said, ...

    "HELLLLO" "You need to wind up the windows"
     
  15. AccordEZJ Club Member ★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆

    Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a ittle Japanese man, clutching a clip board and yelling,

    "You Sign! You sign!"

    Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Japanese man starts to yell louder,

    "You Sign! You sign!"

    Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door in his face.

    The next day he hears a knock at the door again.

    When he opens it, the little Japanese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling,

    "You sign! You sign!"

    Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Japanese man back, shouting: "Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!"

    Then he slams the door in his face again.

    The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Japanese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting,

    "You sign! You sign!"

    Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him: "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand?

    You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"

    The little Japanese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:

    (It's a beauty)...

    (wait for it)...

    (Get your best Japanese accent ready).....

    "You not Nissan Main Deala?"
     
  16. Ichiban Founder Staff Team

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    ^^ old school that one :lol: