Off-Topic C'mon guys give us your jokes

Discussion in 'Off-Topic Chat' started by IDTEC, Thursday 31st May, 2012.

  1. IDTEC Special Partner Club Affiliate

    Lee Cheshire
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    A friend of mine suffered with terrible insomnia.

    I told him to sleep right on the edge of the bed. He soon dropped off. ​
     
  2. IDTEC Special Partner Club Affiliate

    Lee Cheshire
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    21
    I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder. ​
     
  3. IDTEC Special Partner Club Affiliate

    Lee Cheshire
    76
    21
    An old woman saved a Fairy's life. To repay this, the Fairy promised to grant the old woman three wishes. For the first wish, the old lady asked to become young and beautiful. Poof! She became young and beautiful. For the second wish, the old lady asked to be richest woman in the world. "Poof! She was the richest woman in the world. For the last wish, she pointed at the cat she had kept for years. She asked that he be turned into the most handsome man on earth. After all, he had been her best friend for so many years. Poof! The Fairy turned the cat into the most handsome man on earth. The old lady and the Fairy said their goodbyes. After the Fairy left, the handsome man (old cat) strolled over to her and asked, "Now aren't you sorry you had me neutered?!!! " ​
     
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  4. IDTEC Special Partner Club Affiliate

    Lee Cheshire
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    My wife has said she is leaving me for treating her like a child, but I don't think she will.

    She's grounded. ​
     
    Malibu likes this.
  5. IDTEC Special Partner Club Affiliate

    Lee Cheshire
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    FA remind Roy Hodgson "We won't have Wayne for the first 2 matches"
    Roy replies: The weather will be the last thing on my mind... ​
     
  6. Ichiban Founder Staff Team

    England CJ Leeds
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  7. davemazo Senior Member ★ ★ ☆ ☆ ☆

    Just heard my best mate Gavin has died of severe heartburn.I just can't believe Gav is gone
     
  8. Ichiban Founder Staff Team

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    Sorry my jokes are way off the swear filter so can't contribute.. :Whistle:
     
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  9. IDTEC Special Partner Club Affiliate

    Lee Cheshire
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    A Duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any bread?"

    Barman says: "No."

    Duck says: "Got any bread?"

    Barman says: "No."

    Duck says: "Got any bread?"

    Barman says: "No, we have no bread."

    Duck says: "Got any bread?"

    Barman says: "No, we haven't got any f'ing bread."

    Duck says: "Got any bread?"

    Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any f'ing bread, ask again and I'll nail your f'ing beak to the bar you irritating ******* of a f'ing bird!"

    Duck says: "Got any nails?"

    Barman says: "No."

    Duck says: "Got any bread? ​
     
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  10. IDTEC Special Partner Club Affiliate

    Lee Cheshire
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    Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony
    was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant. ​
     
  11. alloy36 Club Member ★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆

  12. Ichiban Founder Staff Team

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    advert removed on that one!
     
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  13. alloy36 Club Member ★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆

  14. Ichiban Founder Staff Team

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  15. AccordCU2 Expert Advisor ★ ★ ★ ★ ★

    A bloke comes home,screeches his car into the driveway and runs in to the house.He slams the door and shouts at top of his lungs,"Honey.Pack your bags.I won the lottery"
    The Wife says.Oh my god.What should i pack,beach stuff or mountain stuff?
    Doesnt matter,he says.Just get out!
     
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    Malibu likes this.
  16. IDTEC Special Partner Club Affiliate

    Lee Cheshire
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    In honour of Didier Drogba, chelsea have just retired the stretcher.
     
  17. IDTEC Special Partner Club Affiliate

    Lee Cheshire
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    21
    I'm in the process of buying a house that once belonged to Dick Turpin.

    The sale is taking ages though.

    There's some sort of a hold up with the money.​


     
  18. IDTEC Special Partner Club Affiliate

    Lee Cheshire
    76
    21
    An assortment of high powered weapons and a stash of drugs including cocaine, heroin and ecstasy have been found behind the Job Centre in Liverpool.

    The locals are said to be in a state of shock. They had no idea they had a Job Centre.
     
    smiler and Malibu like this.
  19. IDTEC Special Partner Club Affiliate

    Lee Cheshire
    76
    21
    I looked out of my window and saw a group of people gathering around a bloke who came off his motorbike, so I frantically rushed over.

    "Out of the way!" I shouted, as I pushed through the crowd.

    "Are you a doctor?" one woman screamed.

    "No" I replied, "The b'st'rd's got my pizza."
     
  20. IDTEC Special Partner Club Affiliate

    Lee Cheshire
    76
    21
    A man rang the Samaritans in some distress and said he was about to commit suicide and was lying across a railway track in the path of an oncoming express train.

    The Samaritan really shouldn't have told him to stay on the line. ​